


But Sex Dude

by CaptainEdgarOfTheHole



Series: Orange and Aqua [4]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Grif being angsty, M/M, Tucker is so done with everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 14:16:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5051653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainEdgarOfTheHole/pseuds/CaptainEdgarOfTheHole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While the blues gain a new member Grif is busy wondering why his new boyfriend didn't look over the side of the cliff to save him right away. Tucker gives the orange soldier a pretty good argument as to why Grif should just not to give a shit about that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Sex Dude

Grif and Tucker were standing over Agent Washingtons unconscious as Sarge and Simmons went to see what was going on with Church and Caboose. The orange soldier had been quiet since they had hauled him back onto solid ground, and Tucker noticed that Grif was putting space between himself and Simmons.

“Dude, you okay?” Tucker asks in the most casual way he can, not willing to fully admit how scared he had actually been when he had seen Grif go over the side of that cliff.

“Yeah I get thrown off cliffs everyday Tucker how ‘bout you?” Grif replies with so much sarcasm in his tone that Tucker is annoyed yet oddly impressed.

“It’s not _my_ fault you got yourself dragged along with the Meta”

“No but you sure as hell didn’t look over the edge to help me!” the orange soldier growls in reply.

“Hey! It was my idea to see if you were there! Gees dying really makes you a dick.”

Grif just grumbles something under his breath and sulks. Tucker just rolls his eyes, he is seriously surrounded by an abundance of emotionally stunted idiots. If Grif freaks out about this whole cliff thing and becomes a dick to Simmons again then Tucker will be forced to throw him back over that goddamn cliff.

“So what do you want to do with this guy?” Grif asks motioning to the unconscious grey soldier when he eventually grows bored with his sulking.

“No idea man. I don’t even know who the fuck he is.”

“Oh, I forget you disappeared for a while. He’s Agent Washington. He found us at rats nest and dragged us on some random ass mission”

“So… He’s a good guy?”

“Well look man, I wouldn’t say that but he probably won’t kill you in your sleep or nothin”

“Reassuring”

“Oh we should probably ask him if he ever got an accidental handjob! He’s supposed to be your nice sober David!” Grif teased

“Hey, technically the next freelancer we met was the big dude who wanted to take you on a very special adventure” Tucker laughs feeling more relaxed now that he knows this Washington isn’t an immediate threat.

“Well then I’m sorry, but your ‘nice’ sober David is a dick”

Tucker just laughs as Caboose and the other reds wander back over to them. Cabooses head is hanging low, his shoulders slumped and Tucker immediately knows this won’t be good news.

“What’s going on?” He asks Sarge knowing that Caboose won’t talk to him when he’s this upset.

“Well your angry computer buddy went and ghosted himself into the memory doodad and got himself stuck” the gruff soldier replies before walking closer and using the butt of his precious shotgun to poke at the passed out Agent Washington. Tucker shakes his head ignoring the red leader in favour of turning to Simmons.

“Umm, Translation?”

“Church went into the memory unit to try and get Tex out but the whole thing shut down before he could get out and now he is stuck in there and there is no way to get him out”

Tucker just scoffs “Figures. He always was whipped.”

“Church will come back” Caboose murmured not sounding as certain of his self-proclaimed best friends’ ability to cheat death as he normally would “Church… Church always comes back”

“Course he will. He wouldn’t leave the teams uneven would he” Tucker says trying to reassure the other blue soldier. He already has one whiney idiot on his hands, he completely refuses to have another.

“Agent Washingtub can take Churchs place till he gets back!” the blue busts out excitedly “Oh it will be so much fun! You will like Mr. Agent Washingtub Tucker, he is super nice. Well except for that time that he killed that purple lady and then explodeded her body”

“Wait wha-“

“Oh can we keep him Tucker? Please, please, please! I problem I will water him every day! Can we Tucker! Pleeeease!”

“He did help us…” Grif interjected with a shrug.

“Yes, he is very helpful! He found Church in our big game of hide and seek and the voice louder thingy on the helmet! He will be a good blue! Can we kee-“

“Alright! Alright! You can keep him. Just shut up!”

“Well if you ladies are done socializing we have to move somewhere with a little less snow. The mighty red army calls dibs on the base! You blues will have to find somewhere of the other side of the battle ground to camp!” Sarge announces, and Tucker feels the all too familiar urge to punch the red leader in the face.

“Are you kidding me? It’s fucking freezing out here! If we sleep out in the cold I’m going to lose some very important bits. Bits I happen to like. Very much. I’m talking about my di-“

“Yes Tucker we get it!” Grif interrupts unsure whether he wants to laugh as the aqua soldiers antics or shoot him in the foot to shut him up. He was definitely spending too much time around Tucker if his automatic reaction wasn’t to hurt him. The red team had a very solid ‘shoot first, have feelings never’ policy when it came to conflict resolution.

“Anyway” Tucker continues “Agent whatever-his-name-is is pretty fucked up so we’re gonna need supplies in the base to fix him up”

Sarge huffs crossing his arms and Tucker thinks he can almost see the death glare the red leader is giving him through his helmet it is so powerful. “Fine” he grumbles “but keep your blue germs on your own side of the base”

“Yeah whatever man, can someone give me a hand with this guy” Tucker says indicating to the unconscious Agent Washington. Between Tucker, Caboose, Simmons and a very whingy Grif, they manage to heft Agent Washington off of the cold ice and each of them carrying a limb manage to get him into the base where they dump him unceremoniously onto a table.

“Okay… what now?” Caboose asks cheerfully

“Well we should like… fix him… somehow” Tucker replies uncertainly “Do any of you know how to, like, do that?”

The reds all shake their heads none of them knowing the first thing about regular first aid and Caboose nods not sure what the question was as he has been distracted by the awesome glowy buttons on the far wall.

“I can turn him into a freaky cyborg thing if you like!” Sarge suggests excitedly

“What? No! What the fuck man? Why would we do that?” Tucker exclaims genuinely scared by just how excited the red leader seems at the idea.

“Because robots are cool and they fix things. Cyborgs are like robots, just not as cool. Or smart”

“Hey!” Simmons says “Smart than you any of you idiot”

“What was that private?”

“Nothing sir! I think it’s a great plan sir!”

“Kiss-ass” Grif mutters a bit more viciously than he normally would.

Tucker on the other hand just ignores the reds in favour of poking Agent Washington in the head repeatedly hoping that the freelancer will just wake up and tell them what to do next. He seemed like someone who knew what they were doing. Hell he even knew Tuckers name while tucker barely knew if they were on the same side. Though maybe Doc had told him who he was sometime during his capture. Wait Doc!

“Hey where the fuck did Doc go?” Tucker asks, interrupting the bickering reds,

“Doc? Oh I sent him to look at Wash when your blue buddie was messing with the memory thing”

“What? So where did he go!”

“Oh there you guys are!” Doc calls wandering into the room “Funny story! I went to go hel-“

“Nobody cares! Can you fix Agent Washington?” Tucker interrupts honestly not wanting to know how someone can fuck up walking 5ft to where they needed to be.

“Don’t let him come anywhere near me” Agent Washington groans from his place on the table obviously having regained consciousness while everyone was distracted.

“Don’t worry Washingtub! Doc is just going to help Mr Sarge make you a cyblorg” Caboose informs a very groggy Washington. When the words finally register in the freelancers foggy head he bolts upright with an exclamation of fear, instinctively reaching for his gun. Tucker notices what he is about to do and grabs the gun before the Agent accidentally shoots someone.

“No one’s becoming a cyborg!” Tucker shouts and the adrenalin that had helped the injured soldier to move seems to drain out of him, causing Washington to slouch in upon himself nearly toppling off the table. Tucker is a little disappointed that the freelancers’ quick reflexes are enough to stop himself from falling, it would have been funny to watch one of the normally graceful freelancers fall ass over tit.

The small commotion must have startled Simmons as he was now clutching Grif’s arm, Grif notices the touch and promptly – and violently – yanks his arm out of the maroon soldiers grip.

Both Simmons and Tucker notice the movement and frown.

Oh yeah Tucker was definitely going to have to throw Grif off that cliff. If only for his own sanity.

“Okay so Caboose can help Doc patch up Washington” Tucker says ignoring Washington’s protests of the idea “Sarge and Simmons you should see if you can find a radio. Me and Grif will look for some food”

“Well if anyone can find the food it’ll be Grif” Simmons teases. Before Grif can retort Tucker grabs his arm and all but drags him down the hallway. Once they are what Tucker deems to be a safe distance from the rest of the group he lets go of the orange soldiers arm and rounds on him.

“What the fuck dude?” He exclaims

“What?”

“Finally. Finally you are getting laid and you are already fucking it up! The only thing you should be fucking is your very willing boyfriend! You two should be having hot near-death-experience-sex in a closet right now! So what gives?”

Silence is the only response

“If you don’t go fuck Simmons then I’m going to, even if he really isn’t my type”

“No your type is nice sober guys” Grif retorts

“I’m never telling you anything again! Now seriously Grif. What the fuck?”

After a beat of silence Grifs whole posture slouches, he flops down to sit on the floor with a sigh before pulling off his helmet.

Tucker groans loudly and contemplates banging his head on the wall for a minute before following the lazy soldiers lead and sliding to the ground across from him, his own helmet being placed next to himself and used as an armrest.

“He wasn’t going to look” Grif eventually mutters. Tucker just frowns not completely understanding what the other soldier was talking about. “That fucker wasn’t going to even check if I was hanging there! He just had to get permission from that fucking stupid asshole of a Sergeant before he could check if his fucking boyfriend was even alive! I almost die and he is still more concerned with kissing Sarge’s ass than helping me!” Tucker nods in understanding before saying

“Yeah that sucks man, dick move of Simmons’ part. But, like, sex dude.”

“I almost swan dived off a cliff!”

“But sex”

“I almost carked it”

“Handjobs”

“Bit the dust”

“Blowjobs”

“Pushed up the daisies”

“Rimjobs”

“Gone to meet the maker”

“frotting”

“Took a one way ticket to fire-town”

“Anal”

“Alright fine I get it! Sex it awesome!” Grif exclaims mostly because he couldn’t think of any more way to say that he nearly died. The orange soldier glared at Tucker who say with an annoyingly smug grin plastered on his face.

“Exactly and you could be having that sex right now so get to it!” Tucker makes a shooing motion and Grif becomes slightly concerned by how invested Tucker is in his sex life. After a few shoves Grif finally hauls himself to his feet

“Fine! Fine, I’m going! I’ll go have sex with Simmons! But I’m not going to be happy about it!”

Tucker snorts “Well then I think you’re doing it wrong”

“Oh shut up Tucker”

Grif hears the idiotic soldiers’ laughter all the way down the hall


End file.
